Sunday, March 20, 2016

Being Gentle With Myself

So I'm going to be honest as I write this post: today I'm just not feeling it when it comes to thinking positively about love, relationships, and soulmates. I'm also PMSing and I know that has a lot to do with it, but deep down I still have a lot of work to do on my beliefs in this area. The proof was when I told my mother earlier today that I really didn't want to buy a house on my own; that I wanted to eventually purchase one with a guy. One of the reasons for that is because it's greater security; we can contribute money together towards a nice house and in today's uncertain times where layoffs happen every day, if one person lost their job the other would still be bringing in an income. But I also want it because I love the idea of starting a life together with someone and buying a house and choosing furniture is part of that partnership.

However, right after I told my mother this, tears welled up in my eyes. And right now, I'm crying as I type this. 

I'm crying because I still don't believe 100% that it's possible for me and that it's ever going to happen for me, especially with someone that has the important qualities that I want and that I have mutual attraction and chemistry with. 

I have what's known in the law of attraction circles as "resistance." Resistance is what prevents your manifestation from coming to you. It's often the big "but" your hear or feel yourself saying when you say you want something but you're not entirely convinced that you can really have it. "I want that car BUT I don't know if I'll ever have enough money for it," "I want a relationship BUT there are no good single available men around."

But apparently, resistance can be released. And on a forum I like to visit, it's been said that crying is considered a form of releasing resistance. So I am being easy on myself today, and letting myself cry. 

I also want to feel better about this topic, as the forum I visit discusses this, too, and how you can never expect to go from feeling really lousy about a subject and your beliefs to suddenly feeling 100% confident and happy about it. It just doesn't happen overnight for most people and in fact, is pretty much impossible to do. What you can do is move yourself slowly up the emotional scale by reaching for better feeling thoughts, step by step. 

The other day I stopped on the way home from work to get gas, and an attractive man who was also filling his tank kept glancing over at me. He kind of reminded me of S in a way, as he had the same kind of closely cut hair. (Neither of us smiled at each other, though...I'm not sure why. Probably mutual apprehension.) So recalling that does make me feel better, and gives me some hope. 

I'm attractive, I'm smart, and I'm basically a good person. I've made some mistakes in the past but learned my lesson and forgave myself. There's no logical reason why anyone wouldn't want to date me, and there's no way of knowing that what I want doesn't exist. 

It's going to take some time, however. I'm just going to be gentle and easy on myself until I get there. 

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