Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Almost Manifestation: Why Did I Attract A Married Man? (Part 2)


Yesterday I wrote about how I attracted a married man into my life earlier this year, how it messed me up for a bit, but then ultimately helped me uncover some limiting beliefs I've been holding onto for years, which is what I feel caused me to so easily attract an unavailable man (and unavailable men throughout the years) in the first place. 

Before I get into the nitty gritty of what I did to find out why this was something that kept happening, I do want to say that I did eventually recognize the positives of the situation first. Other than the fact that he was married and wasn't upfront with me about it, S had a lot of remarkable qualities that I hadn't quite attracted in a man up until then. He was passionate about his career, which was something he knew as a kid that he wanted to do. He was very sensitive, easy going, funny, and was a remarkable writer -- a total luxury after suffering through incoherent sentences from men on online dating sites. He was healthy and fit and had made the commitment to lose and keep off 20 pounds when he gained weight. He knew more about retro pop culture than I did, and he was three years younger than me. Even though that's not much of an age difference, I've always been more inclined towards older men and never thought in a million years that someone younger would be deeply attracted to me. 

I also realized after getting to know him that I would be open to dating a man with a child with autism. I found myself looking up articles to learn a bit more about the autism spectrum and the challenges that parents and families dealing with autism face. 

I'd love to date someone with a daughter his age. And as for his profession -- let's just say it's one that often gets a bad rap. I never thought someone in it would be the way he is. I do believe my "rendezvous" with S cracked my heart and mind open a bit more. 

I do think we served a purpose in each other's lives. He needed to know that someone outside of the marriage found him attractive and I needed to know that someone with his wonderful qualities found me attractive as well, and maybe it was proof that the universe can answer and find a match for me, even while being out of work and isolated at home during the week. 

I also believe, even though it initially caused his wife grief for which I regretted, that ultimately her discovering our online relationship eventually saved the marriage. (I can tell you that he felt horribly guilty for what it did to his wife and me, and I felt guilty for a while as well.)

But of course, as much as I liked S, he wasn't available. And after the dust settled, I told myself never again in regards to someone that already has a girlfriend or is married. And I also decided that a separated man wasn't going to be good enough for me, either. A separated man is still a married man. 

I knew I wanted someone who is single or divorced. Someone who is in a good place in his life to begin a new relationship, without complications or an ex that is still holding on. No ex or soon-to-be ex living at home with him, either. He must be free, and available. From a law of attraction standpoint, I wanted to figure out what I was doing wrong. 

The first thing I did when I was able to do so without tearing up was rewrite the story of S and me in my head. What would it have felt like had he actually been divorced when he reached out to me? What would our relationship have most likely been like? I pictured ourselves walking down the street of his town, holding hands, and going out to eat. I envisioned road trips in his state -- a part of the country I'd never been to before -- and him visiting me where I'd introduce him to my favorite spots in New England. I imagined meeting his parents, brother, and children, and him getting to meet my family. 

While that probably helped me offer up some better "vibes" I knew it still wasn't my solution to what I had been doing wrong. For that I listened to a lot of Abraham Hicks videos about people in love with people that weren't available to them (one guy was in love with a woman that was not only married, but pregnant! He was convinced she was his soulmate. And he was married himself.) I read up on a lot of what law of attraction teachers had to say about the subject. 

Virtually all of them called it an almost manifestation, or a stepping stone on the way to your ideal match. They said that there was still something you're putting out to the universe that is coming back -- and it's up to you to uncover your limited belief. 

I thought about it. Was I really saying to the universe, "Please send me an unavailable man?" Of course not. Well, I was, but not exactly in that way. 

It eventually occurred to me that for a very long time I've held onto a belief that as long as I live at home and am unemployed that I'm not truly available and ready for a relationship. I think this belief started when I attended a party with a coworker over a decade ago and met this guy that felt some need to complain to us about a girl he went out with once that took him back to where she lived, which was her parents' house. It was a huge turnoff to him; the girl was in her late 20s and according to him, all women should be living on their own by a certain age. He didn't seem to take into account that the girl may have been saving her money to live in or buy a nice place, or maybe her parents needed her help. 

Even before he told me this story, it was easy to see that this guy was a real jerk; really full of himself and a total player. He was hitting on everyone at the party, and when he started hitting on me it was just a huge turnoff. But I sure got rid of him in a hurry when I told him that I lived at home! I saw my perfect opportunity to mention it and he went to bother someone else. 

However, his attitude made me self conscious for years, even though to this day he's the only guy I have ever met that vocally expressed that attitude. It even made me feel a little bit ashamed. The few times I tried online dating, I never mentioned my living situation and I always worried what men would think when I had to bring it up, especially as I got older and went through my 30s. 

I live at home because I've been saving my money for many years in order to buy a house of my own, and right now I'm also living at home because I'm unemployed. But the other reason I'm at home is because I support my mother, both financially and to ensure that she's safe. Even being out of work, I give her money each month to help pay for groceries, heating oil, and utilities. It's not like she's giving me money so that I don't have to work. 

So I was sending the universe a mixed message for quite a while as a result. I was saying I wanted a relationship but then messing it up with a big "BUT" statement. "I want a relationship, BUT I still live at home and I won't be truly ready and available for a man until I'm living in my own place and employed again." Actually, I didn't even have to say it -- I was feeling it inside myself, which is even worse! It was the underlying vibration that I was putting out there and I truly believe that's why the universe had no choice but to deliver someone to me who seemed so nice, but wasn't actually available himself.

Something interesting to note -- I had told S at one point about my living situation and that I support my mother. It didn't faze him one bit, and it definitely wasn't a turnoff to him. 

For the past month or so I've been working on changing my old belief, and also owning my life and living situation. When I meet new people now and the topic comes up, I tell them right away that I live at home, without embarrassment. It's what it is at the moment -- I accept it but also know it won't always be this way; I know I'll find a new job and will be saving and attracting money for my own place. 

The other thing I've been working on is completely accepting myself and believing that I am worthy, no matter what. For the past few weeks before going to bed I've been listening to this mediation by a law of attraction/self help teacher I discovered, Lara Shlafer. She's awesome -- and so is her "I Am Worthy" meditation. I was never the type of person that was into meditation or really believed that a solid, steady meditation every day would do much good (I meditated when working to rid myself of psoriasis but that was mainly repeating affirmations to myself with my eyes closed.) However, Lara's meditation has really helped me feel a positive shift within myself and even reignited my drive to manifest a new job. It will also help you forgive yourself of any past mistakes/regrets and move on. I usually have the most pleasant dreams after listening to it. 

In order to attract a man that is wonderful, AND available, I have to believe that I am available -- and I can't let my living and employment situation stand in the way of that. I accept it, and myself, and know that the opinion of one person years ago doesn't mean the entire male population feels the same way. 

The other belief I've been working on changing is that old adage, "all the good ones are taken." I started to have this belief when I was in my 20s and later again in my 30s. Oddly enough, it was solidified by the coworker that took me to that party where I met that awful guy; she believed that past a certain age "everyone settles." 

When I first heard that, deep down I knew I didn't want to settle. That isn't true love and isn't fair to the other person in my opinion. But that belief stuck around -- and kept showing itself every time I attracted someone that was, indeed, already taken. 

But the truth is people do get divorced every day. People break up every day. Maybe not at your office or within your circle of friends, but it does happen. 

So now, I am so looking forward to heading into the new year with these new beliefs and feelings intact...still meditating and still solidifying my feelings of worthiness. I feel that with S, I got really, really close...and that the next relationship will be a success story. 

10 comments:

  1. Hi Pamela
    Thank you for your thought provoking post. I too am in a similar situation, a bit more complicated: I'm separated but still living with my husband, insane chemistry with an (apparently unhappily) married man at work. He started it: I liked him, talked to him, he started flirting heavily and it turned my head in spite of me telling myself over and over 'he's married'. He was persistent with the flirting and over time I fell in love with him. I'm proud of myself that I haven't made a fool of myself and kept my feelings hidden from him and everyone else. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much even though it's a bummer that my heart skips a beat every time I see him during the day, which is a lot, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. I'm telling myself that it's great that these feelings have shown up in my reality. He has a lot of great qualities and I am happy that I can recognise and appreciate those now, whereas once I wouldn't have. I know it means that I will attract a much happier and passionate relationship down the track when I am in the right place. As I know you will too.

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    1. Hi Anonymous, thank you for your comments. I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation; sounds like you have a lot on your plate...but it has happened to an awful lot of people, so you're not alone. You have the right attitude and although it's hard, it helped me to stick to my guns in knowing what I want...and by staying "in vibration" and alignment with what I want I know it has to manifest in the right guy. I wish you all the best!

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  2. Pam, i really appreciate you posting it! Made me feel i am on the right track too! As it turns out, this is a more common topic that not, even though peoplr dont talk about it. I wish yiu all the best and sending positive vibes into your life.

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    1. Thank you -- glad to hear it helped. I wish you the best as well! Stay strong with what you want and keep on manifesting!

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  3. Thank you for sharing. I have my very own S and I said all along that he is affirmation that the type of man I have always wanted exists. It is a beitiful chemistry and he believes in the laws of attraction like I do. It is exciting that we drew each other. Your post has clarified that I have an unavailability there which is why all I have been attracting is married or emotionally unavailable men. This is the first time I allowed a relationship with a married man and the crazy thing is I don't feel the guilt that I expected and I know my next relationship will result in marriage. Thank you and I too LOVE Abraham Hicks. I am going to listen to Lara for the first time tonight.

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    1. Thank you for your comments, anonymous. If you manifested this, then you can definitely manifest again with someone available! I wish you the best of luck and much blessings.

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  4. Pam, just curious... Have you met "Mr. Right" yet?

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    1. Not yet, but I am happy and working on myself and making my life as enjoyable and fulfilling until I do...living as if!

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