Even though this blog is barely a few months old and only has a handful of readers, the time has come for me to talk about something personal that happened to me over the summer but more importantly, why I think my thoughts and belief system caused it to happen and knowing what I know now, how I'm changing them to attract someone better for me.
Back in June of this year, I attracted a married man into my life. I did not meet him in person, but I will admit I started to fall for him online and over the phone and he was falling for me, too. He wrote and said such sweet things that I've been waiting for years now for the right man to say to me...things like, "Pamela, I've never known anyone like you before," and "I haven't had this connection with a woman in years." My heart still melts a bit recalling this but fortunately, I no longer well up in tears thinking or talking about it. I am no longer angry or upset at the universe, at him, at myself, or at the way things eventually panned out. It ended nearly as quickly as it began because in the back of my mind I kept telling myself, but he's married. He's unavailable. And so, once the momentum behind those thoughts picked up and I found myself increasingly torn as the correspondence went on (as did he, I could tell) the vortex spun him out. It was for the best for him...and me.
In June of this year I was really happy. I'd secured a still on-going freelance writing project that I initially had been turned down for during the spring because the company had reached their quota of contract writers, but they suddenly had the need to take on another writer. I'd been listening to a lot of Abraham-Hicks videos on YouTube and was particularly intrigued by a clip that featured one young man who did an experiment for 30 days. He decided that he was going to get happy every day no matter what (there's that get happy tip, again!) and ask for what he wanted to enter his life. He asked casually for a new business venture with his best friend, to lose some weight, and meet the girl of his dreams. He accomplished all three.
Maybe that's why in mid to late May I pressed the easy button and told the universe in my head, "I want a boyfriend. And I want him to be German-American." I'd been making lists during the past few years of the qualities I wanted my soulmate to have but this time I just decided to press that easy button while I was feeling consistently good and happy, and let it go.
A month later, "S" sent me an email out of the blue. I knew who he was, but the message took me by surprise just the same. He followed my other blog, Go Retro, for three and a half years and was faithfully liking and/or commenting on just about everything I posted on the Facebook page for it. Occasionally he would post something on the sidebar which I would usually comment on and share with the other followers. This time he had shared a clip from a Paul McCartney concert he attended on Father's Day. After I left a comment on it and he commented back, he ended up emailing me the set list of songs played during the show, was a little flirty at the end, and asked me to let him know if I received the message, because he said he got an error message the first time he tried to send it.
The correspondence started from there. I honestly thought he was single or divorced. For starters, he said he went to see McCartney with a few friends -- and didn't mention a wife or girlfriend. He did an awful lot of reading in his spare time, naming books that he had read and was working on. He also works in an admirable, high pressure career that requires long shifts. And there was nothing public on his Facebook page that showed photos of a significant other or information about his personal life.
So you could imagine my shock...and disappointment...when I Googled him a few days into our emailing back and forth and one of the first things I saw was an article. An article about his wife starting a support/social group for parents of autistic kids and their children accompanied by a photo of S, his wife, his daughter, and son, who has autism. Before researching him online, I had told him he could friend me on Facebook (I wasn't able to send him a friend request) and when he never connected nor even mentioned the invite in his email back, I knew something was up.
I was upset. In retrospect I should have stopped the correspondence right then and told him it wasn't a good idea for us to be writing and flirting. But instead, I emailed a good friend of mine and told her what was going on, and included the link to the article. She pointed out that it was three years old...and that maybe the marriage wasn't doing so well. She told me to maybe keep things light and flirty, and see what happens.
I waited to see when S was going to reveal that he was married. It wasn't until the fourth of July weekend that I finally broached the subject (since he was not) and told him I knew that he was married and had kids. I said I honestly didn't expect anything to come of the correspondence other than the chance to make a new friend and that I didn't see why we would have to stop writing, especially if we were "just friends." He wrote back and instead of being angry, thanked me for an honest and thoughtful message and admitted that he wasn't sure how he was going to bring up that he was married, but that we seemed to have such a strong connection he really wanted to correspond as friends.
And why didn't I stop it then? Because I wasn't willing to put my foot down and tell the universe what I really wanted...someone 100% available. And because he seemed to be everything that I've been wanting in a man for a very long time; in many ways, he reminded me of me...we had so much in common and his entire mini bio that he emailed to me one night was practically the soulmate list I'd made years ago. Did I mention that his ethnic background was completely German-American? He was the first guy in years to appreciate not just my looks, but everything else about me including my writing skills and positive attitude. The mutual physical attraction was also very strong; even though we already knew what each other looked like, we exchanged a few more photos of ourselves (clothed.) He continued to flirt after we said we'd just be friends, as did I. Almost right away I started having strong sexual fantasies and one day in July felt compelled to share some of them with him, which was a mistake. He sent me a gift in the mail -- a burned copy of a Rolling Stones CD of rarities and bootlegs.
I also felt that we had this weird cosmic connection...call it radar love like the old '70s song, but I would get a hunch that he had written to me, and I'd check my email to delightfully see a message waiting for me.
He wanted to meet me (he lives out of state, but within a reasonably drivable distance.) I said no, not as long as you're married. That we both knew what would happen, and that I deserve more than that -- I told him I wanted an actual relationship with someone. I wanted to be in public with him, and go on road trips, and someone who could call or email me whenever he wanted to, because he was able to.
S told me on the phone that he was thinking long and hard about his life since turning 40 and about making some changes. But he was continually concerned about the effect a divorce would have on his kids, understandably. His parents separated for a while when he was the age his daughter is, and it was a bad time for him.
At one point I asked for the details about his marriage. I was told the usual story most married men that want an affair give -- that the spark died after the kids arrived, that she spends a lot of time with her support group and other extracurricular groups and activities as an excuse to put the marriage on the back burner, and that they hadn't had sex in a long time, maybe a year. A lot of his sexual cravings seemed to be about affection...being held and touched...which made me think he wasn't getting it from her.
All these months later, I still don't know what to believe. There's two sides to every story. But one night at the end of July, and three days after my mother had triple bypass surgery, S called me. I missed his call but had this eerie feeling that he wanted to talk to me. I was shocked when I checked my mobile to see that I missed him by five minutes. After feeding the cats that night, I called him back.
He was at work. He had told his wife that day that he wanted to see a counselor by himself (he claimed they had been to counseling twice in past together that didn't help the marriage.) She went into his laptop and found all of the emails between us. She initially went ballistic but then had called him up sobbing and saying that she wanted to work on the marriage.
She had access to his Facebook page and unliked the blog's Facebook page, and blocked me from viewing his profile. Over the next few weeks someone (either her or S) unliked and deleted every comment S ever left on the Go Retro Facebook page.
For some reason, that hurt me more than S telling me that night that he couldn't email or contact me ever again.
Even though getting so deep into this situation was partly my fault, I was devastated. I didn't sleep at all that night and went to visit my mother in the hospital the next day. (She later recalled, after I told her the story, that she thought I looked awful.)
My self esteem was shattered. I was also angry -- partly at myself, and partly at him for being a married man and reaching out and flirting with me in the first place. But mostly I was angry at the universe. I wanted to shake my fist at it and give it the finger. How...why...did it deliver me a married man? Why did I attract someone that had everything that I wanted except for that one deal breaker? And the fact that it had happened so quickly, easily, and effortlessly but yet was something I couldn't have really didn't make sense to me.
And this wasn't the first time I had attracted an unavailable man. Actually, when I started to sort my feelings out and go back over my history, pretty much every guy in my life that I have ever found that elusive mutual attraction/chemistry with wasn't single! It was interesting for me to note that in the beginning, it was guys that had girlfriends that they actually were happy with and that evolved into guys telling me they weren't happy with their girlfriends to this latest one, which may or may not have been on the brink of contemplating a divorce.
It took a few months of me doing research into "almost manifestations" and figuring out what went wrong here. Everything I found in my research said that an almost manifestation is a sign that you're close, but you still have a limiting belief or something you're putting into the universe that is attracting back what you're vibrating.
Well, it took a lot of soul searching and learning to love and respect myself again, but I DO believe I found out what I have been doing wrong that has been attracting unavailable men into my life for so long. I'll discuss this in part 2 of this post soon.
As for S, he continued to read my other blog from work once a week but it's now been a while since he's visited, and that's fine. My happiness is not contingent upon the behavior of another person. I do, however, sincerely hope that he has improved his relationship with his wife and is happy. Perhaps what happened was necessary for things to work out for him.
I also reached a point where I was finally able to let him go completely and wished him well in my heart (I wished him well on our last phone conversation even though I was crying and later that night in an email.) I told him if anything happens in the future (even though I'm doubtful that it will) that my door is always open, provided I'm single at that time. Whatever will be, will be, and what happened was for the best for everyone involved. I know now what I deserve and know that I deserve to attract the right guy that is completely, 100% available and single/divorced for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment