Friday, February 10, 2017

Why We Attract Unavailable People

If you saw my last video post, then you remember how I talked about the exploring I did on why I seem to have attracted a lot of unavailable men to me through the years, and how I uncovered some childhood beliefs that I believe are at least partly responsible. As I mentioned in that video it was an epiphany for me...but recently, believe it or not, I had a second (dun dun dun!) epiphany that I think is probably an even greater explanation than my original answer. 

This came a few weeks ago when I was reading a blog post by a dating coach, David Wygant, who writes a site I'll pop in on from time to time. One thing I've noticed about Wygant's posts during the past few years is that they've taken on a law of attraction slant. In fact, he has written a lot about how important your mindset is when dating, your beliefs, and keeping tabs on any negative self talk. 

A month or so ago he wrote a post on the women's side of his site (he has since updated his blog so I couldn't find the post to link to it) about a woman that had written to him because she had attracted a married man online (sound familiar?) and she didn't know what to do. They (of course) hit it off, seemed to have a lot of online chemistry, and he lived one country over from her. He disclosed that he was married but wanted to meet her.

Of course, Wygant said HELL NO (in so many words!) but he also attempted to answer another question she had which was the real reason why she was writing: why does she keep attracting unavailable men in the first place? He said he really couldn't answer it since he didn't know her, but suspected that she has some kind of fear and by putting that vibration out there, she's attracting back men that are chicken shit. 

Think about it...what's another trait married people looking for affairs often share? In my original video I surmised that they cannot be trusted. But there's another thing they all have in common: they're scared. They're scared of confronting their spouse and telling them that there's something wrong in the marriage and they want to work on it. They're scared of hurting their kids if they ask for a divorce. They're scared their spouse is going to soak them in divorce court. They're scared that they're making a mistake if they leave their spouse, and they're scared that they're making a mistake if they stay. They're scared of all of the potential heartbreak and chaos that a divorce could cause not just in their own house, but possibly with their parents and their entire family. 

What does this have to do with me, and potentially other single people in the same boat?

Well, I admit I'm scared, too.  

I'm not so much scared of actually being in a relationship -- I want to be in a relationship. But I'm more scared of everything that could go wrong. 

We've all heard so many horror dating stories from friends, relatives, and acquaintances or we know peopler that have had their heart broken (or they have happened to us) and we're scared of it happening again. 

David Wygant told this woman she probably really enjoyed the online and over-the-phone flirtation with her married male friend, because it's "safe." He feels safe to her -- she can enjoy it but deep down knows that nothing will come of it, no actual relationship...just a roll in the hay. And that's why she attracted it--because it's easier than looking for someone available that can give her a real relationship and confronting all of the fears that come with it. 

When I first wrote about the married guy on here, I referred to him as "S." But f--- it, I see no good reason to keep him completely anonymous any more. His name is Scott, he's a police officer, and he lives about 350 miles from me. 

When I look back on the email correspondence and phone conversations, he was scared. He told me at one point that his stomach "had been churning for days" because he didn't know what to do. He said he had been "thinking about making some changes" in his life but clearly hadn't the guts to actually make those changes. He was awfully worried about hurting his kids with a divorce, and was afraid that it would mean "a hit to his wallet." 

I guess that's why I attracted someone that had some great qualities that I want except for the unavailability. I, too, felt that the brief friendship we had was fun and "safe" in a lot of ways, especially as I told him I would not meet him in person as long as he was married. 

I guess it's a self protection mechanism that gets activated at certain times during my life. 

I remember a job I had more than twenty years ago working at a hotel during my college years. I'd just had my heart broken and didn't feel feel like dating again yet. t loved flirting with one of the married security guards; it was a mutual attraction but I knew nothing would happen because this guy really did have a great relationship with his wife. But one day a cute guy from the catering department tried to chat me up when I was working in the gift shop. I think he was interested in me, but I was too scared to actually flirt back. I was afraid he was going to ask me out (and I didn't want to have to say no, even though I should have gone out with him had he asked.) Too scared of something going wrong later on down the line. Flirting with the security guard felt much safer. 

So where do I go from here? More working on dropping beliefs. More working on letting go of fear, "letting go and letting God" and trusting the Universe. Ironically, the whole situation with Scott eventually reminded me again that the world doesn't end when your heart gets broken. Maybe I'll eventually put up an online profile again on Match and see what happens. It seems to be the only way to finally change this vibration and break free of this recurring pattern once and for all. I know I can do it!

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